Jackass Olympics

IMG_0243I’ve been reading about my friends’ quadrennial disappointments and frustrations with the outcomes in skating, hockey, and some of the skiing events at the Sochi Olympics, and it occurred to me that this is an opportunity for American ingenuity to take center stage. Can we not introduce some innovation to these traditional winter sports–you know, liven them up a little?

We’re probably never gonna beat the Canadians at hockey, or those pesky Russian figure skaters, or those Norwegian skiiers. That is, not unless we shake things up a bit. We’ve always been good at reinventing things to our advantage, so here’s what I propose:

Pairs Dance Hockey.

IMG_0245 You’d still be trying to score goals, but instead of scrapping after a small piece of black plastic, while wearing the equivalent of a Hazmat suit, why not have an attractive couple maneuver their way toward the goal, choreographed to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”? When they’re in scoring distance, the male hurls his partner toward the net. IMG_0244 She can gain extra points if she’s able to execute a triple Salchow while airborne, and can even win the match outright if she eliminates the Russian judge in the process. Of course, things could go wrong,  but that’s what would make it so exciting. space space space space space space  pace space space space space spacespace

“Earling” Grey Iced Tea.

IMG_0246 Let’s face it, nobody really understands curling, do they? You sweep the ice in hopes that you can make something that looks like my mama’s tea kettle move a few feet. But what if it were a real tea kettle? The team who could build a fire, get the water to boil, add the tea and sugar (yes, this is a Southern idea), waitress-job-description-200x300 chill it on the ice before serving, and sweep up after themselves (gotta use that broom for something) wins, but only if they remember to say, “can I getcha anything else, sweetie?”  Those emotionally repressed Nords wouldn’t stand a chance.pace space space space space space  pace space space space space spacespace

Downhill Bobsled and Luge Jumping.

I know I’m supposed to be impressed with the physics of a winning bobsled or luge run, but isn’t it all a little too programmed, a little too safe? Americans live for ridiculous danger, so let’s think outside the box, shall we? Or, to be more exact, let’s think inside the box.cardboard sled Teams of four are taken to the top of a treacherous mountain, given an old refrigerator box, and told, “Go!” I guarantee our team will win every time, as long as they can avoid the treeline to the left and the farm fence at the end of the pasture below. If anything truly bad happens, they can tell Davey Hall’s mom–she’ll know what to do (ok, maybe I’m getting a little too autobiographical here).

And the luge. I say we dust off the old American Eagles and Flexible Flyers, go to the top of the ski jump, and let ’em rip. Oops-sledding (Small)_thumb[1] We may lose a few along the way, but we won’t be screaming like little Austrians all the way down.

If you’re still uncertain about all of this, dust off your boxed set of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” You’ll see that we’ve been training for this kind of stuff for years. It’s about time we got some good out of it.

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