The world woke up this morning to the news that the United Kingdom had voted to leave the European Union. Shockwaves were immediately felt throughout global financial markets, and news shows were filled with discussions about the immediate and longterm consequences of this international divorce.
Much was made of the frustration among the growing populist movement in Britain, which sees increased integration with Europe as a threat to its identity and way of life. This, together with the reality that ongoing relations with its close neighbors are likely to be awkward at best after the split, has led to a not-surprising decision on the part of Boris Johnson, the acknowledge unofficial head of the “leave” faction.
“Recognizing that the interests and welfare of the British people are no longer aligned with those of the European community, we are in the planning stage of relocating the British Isles to a more advantageous locale,” Johnson announced on Friday during a press conference.
Johnson went on to say that, “While some would view this as an extreme reaction, we feel it is a natural extension of the wisdom that led to yesterday’s momentous decision. Will the move be difficult? Yes, of course, but that has never stopped Britain before and will not stop us now.” He cited the historic successes of Britain’s colonization efforts throughout the world as evidence of the nation’s pluck, foresight, and resolve.
Johnson’s announcement set off storms of speculation regarding Great Britain’s new home. One proposed location is just off the coast near Massachusetts, since it is already home to the islands of Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard. This, however, raised concerns among locals. “I don’t know,” said professional handyman Larry, who was accompanied by his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl. “We already have one New England. Would we call them ‘New New England?'”
Complicating matters is the fact that only the nations of England and Wales voted for the split; Scotland and Northern Ireland indicated their strong preference for remaining in the EU. When asked about this apparent conflict, Johnson—who was joined at the news conference by his golfing pal Donald Trump—was undeterred. “My friend here has assured me that it is not that different from developing a subdivision or making condos out of historic buildings.” Trump added, “You’ve already got this, this, what do you call it, this Hadrian’s Wall—God, I love walls—so you just make a sharp crease and snap it off. I’ve done it millions of times. And we’ll make Scotland pay for it.”
When it was pointed out that moving England into open waters via the English Channel might be a tight fit between France and Ireland, Johnson was confident they would be happy to shift a bit to accommodate the passage. “After all,” he said, “England has done so much for Ireland and France through the centuries. They owe us.”